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:icongoose-fat: More from goose-fat


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May 24, 2013
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the first words were not
sun and moon and stars, but oh god I will wear this
power like a bearskin - like a drum machine in a chicken-bone
key. carnivorous

instinct is the sum
of all the parts we're too afraid to eat:
black wires, white bulbs, wicks from tallow
candles. if they

would let us, we could make wax
breathe:
 
we could hunt the essence
of smoking fluorescent galaxies, all our
strange living lives and neon paradises, all our
blue planets and disemboweled sacrifices, if only we could

breathe while below us the round sky winds down
and holds bone to our throats, so we
are spilled, forced up
and wondering:

if sugar were
sweet, then could
this
be
?
forever in the suburbs
[link]
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:icondailylitdeviations:
DailyLitDeviations Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2013
Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by =DailyLitDeviations in a news article that can be found here: dailylitdeviations.deviantart....

Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by :+fav:ing the News Article. Keep writing and keep creating.

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:icongoose-fat:
goose-fat Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2013   Writer
Wow, thanks!
Reply
:icontwilightpoetess:
TwilightPoetess Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Hi, hon!  As part of my dA Roadtrip, I will be critiquing this (and two other) pieces from your gallery.  Please keep in mind that these are just my opinions; any changes you make to the pieces should be what YOU, as the artist, want to do.  It is, after all, YOUR work--feel free to take or leave my suggestions as you see fit!

I knew, before I asked you to be my next stop, that I really wanted to comment on this piece especially. It's the first piece I read by you, and is the reason I added you to my watch list.  I am in love with your word choice here--you pair powerful, vibrant imagery with harsh, strong words, and the effect is LOVELY. This piece is absolutely breath-taking, so good work!

There's only one thing I'd like to talk about--while I think your word choice is great, I think the word placement could be worked on a little bit.  I'd like to take you through each stanza and give you my thoughts on where lines should end/begin and so on--again, you don't have to change it unless you want to.  These are just my thoughts on how to make this read more smoothly/naturally. 

So, stanza one:

I'd suggest something along the lines of this:

the first words
were not sun and moon and stars,
but oh god 
I will wear this power
like a bearskin--
like a drum machine
in a chicken-bone key.
carnivorous

Stanza two:

I'd suggest just a small change here:

instinct is the sum
of all the parts we're too afraid to eat:
black wires, white bulbs, 
wicks from tallow candles.
if they

Stanza three:

would let us, 
we could make wax breathe:

Stanza four:

we could hunt the essence 
of smoking fluorescent galaxies, 
all our strange living lives 
and neon paradises, 
all our blue planets 
and disemboweled sacrifices,
if only we could

Stanza five:

breathe 
while below us the round sky winds down
and holds bone to our throats, 
so we are spilled, 
forced up and wondering:

Stanza six:

if sugar 
were sweet, 
then could 
this
be
?

Again, I want to stress that you really don't HAVE to make any changes to this piece--it's beautiful, and you might have reasons for formatting it the way you did that I, as an outsider looking in, don't know or understand. Beautiful job, over all!
Reply
:iconersatz-moon:
ersatz-moon Featured By Owner May 26, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
inspired by the movie, maybe?
Reply
:icongoose-fat:
goose-fat Featured By Owner May 26, 2013   Writer
oh, wow, that's eerie. I'd never seen or heard about it until now.
I'm watching it as we speak. :D I'll tell you what I think.
Reply
:iconersatz-moon:
ersatz-moon Featured By Owner May 26, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
your poem just seems to fit the movie, very very well. haaaa.
Reply
:icongoose-fat:
goose-fat Featured By Owner May 26, 2013   Writer
yeah, I see it. actually, it works pretty well, until the last stanza.

that was a pretty good movie (well, most of it), but I don't know how the tree/love/warrior/rebirth metaphor has anything to do with the actual state of the universe. I think it's just projecting human symbolism onto something that we're the result of, not the core of.

...which is something I was thinking about while writing this :noes: coincidenceithinknot
Reply
:iconersatz-moon:
ersatz-moon Featured By Owner May 27, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
some of it was really gimmicky and fake, ahhaaha.
Reply
:icongoose-fat:
goose-fat Featured By Owner May 27, 2013   Writer
the part at the end where he's launched upward from the tree and flips over into his meditating pose? :lol:
Reply
:iconersatz-moon:
ersatz-moon Featured By Owner May 27, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
oh my god yeah, the fucking pseudo-plants bursting out of his chest, i laughed so hard.
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